For women going through a case of divorce or adultery. (based on material from book A. Kurpatov)
Men’s psychology is designed so that men need novelty to arouse sexual desire. In order for a man to remain married, sexual attraction should be replaced by other values: attention, understanding, support, care, respect, warmth, tenderness, admiration, etc.
A man can accept a certain kind of discomfort in the sexual sphere only in cases where these are the grounds. Therefore, it is more correct to rephrase the question “why did he leave?” For “what reasons did he have to remain married?”.
This structure of the male psyche may be likeable or not, but nothing can be done about it. You can simply accept and learn how to live together, supporting your partner and helping each other.
How does a man come to the idea of divorce?
First he is in love and, of course, he is firmly convinced that he will not betray his wife. But he looks at his surrounding friends who are single… At the women who pay attention to him… And temptations begin to overcome him… Natural conflicts begin in the family after one year. And in his head is the debate: “To cheat or not to cheat?”. And after each family scandal, the desire to cheat increases. The husband decides not to respond with betrayal to the scandals or the attempts of the wife to take the position of the leader, but still two thoughts sink into his soul:
1. The wife is no longer such a source of happiness in his life;
Cheating- is possible.
With time, cheating still happens, somehow by accident. Then again, he feels guilty. He begins to treat his wife warmly, but at the same time is looking for an excuse (because it is somehow not good for the soul) and finds one.
Then the next stage. There is experience and an idea too. The only option is to fall in love. First, he views his connection as an affair, he also needs some kind of entertainment. And then he realizes that he has fallen in love and can no longer live without this “entertainment”. Next-” I love her, I can’t live without her”.
Then there is a divorce.
The emotional stages of divorce
1. Receiving news of a divorce or a change.
It usually happens unexpectedly, like a bolt from the blue.
“This cannot be,” the woman thinks, “is he crazy?”
The options for receiving this news:
a. She suspected something was wrong and began to find out whether her suspicions were correct (checking the phone, interviewing friends, spying, etc.);
b. Ignore obvious facts. Hides, like an ostrich, head in the sand, until the husband or someone says it;
c. She asks directly and receives a truthful answer: “Yes, there is another woman” (although asking, the woman did not expect such an answer);
This happens unexpectedly, since our ideas about our personal life are very far from reality.
2. Failure to understand how to live further, extreme pain (thoughts of death are possible) caused by stress, but at the same time a woman is able to think coldly and prudently. The appearance of anxiety.
After recognizing that the husband is leaving, the woman experiences something like death. The main reason for this is a violation of the habitual way of life, habits (usually the nature of all negative emotions- it is a violation of the established way of life, because change since ancient times has automatically led to the appearance of new dangers).
Nature has programmed us so that in order to make it easier to adapt to new situations, we experience anxiety. If everything returns to the previous situation, a feeling of calm and peace arises.
During a divorce, not only the habitual way of life is disturbed, but also the idea of the future formed in our imagination.
At this time, a woman, on one hand, feels the need to hide, to “bury herself in a hole,” and, on the other, to run away without looking back, no matter where.
On the level of physiology, the destruction of those chains of nerve cell connections in the brain that were formed over the years of living together and are perceived by us as habits, and the creation of new habits (with ties between nerve cells) takes time.
The reason for suicidal thoughts is that the woman exists in a state of complete uncertainty. It seems to her that she has no future, and it hurts so much that death seems to be the best way out. But the instinct of self-preservation comes to the rescue, “something must be done”. A woman begins to follow her husband, because she needs certainty, she needs to make a decision on how to live onwards. She cannot be condemned for it. Certainty is a question of her survival.
Why did he leave?
As a rule, there is no trait called “understanding” in the image of the spouse (no matter whether it is objective or not, he feels that way), and therefore her husband often does not explain his behavior or reduces the explanation to small mutterings and the woman understands that this can not be the cause.
And the answer to this question is necessary, since the woman needs certainty: if the situation is not closed, then she will think about it all the time. If the situation is complete: you put an end to it and make a decision, then you stop thinking about it. As soon as a woman can explain everything to herself and understand, the situation will become certain. And, therefore, she will begin to make plans for the future and live life to the fullest. But often the husband behaves inconsistently and says “He loves”, the wife that “spoiled his life” – that is, he falls into a state of “pendulum.”
It is also important for women to get an answer to this question, because she is afraid of signing divorce papers and it is psychologically hard to put an end to the marriage.
Another case is when the husband simply leaves without any explanation.
3. The feeling that the husband is “physically” absent.
The life that she had developed with the husband was a habit, and the absence of the husband leads to her disappearance, that is, the usual life without a husband is impossible. In fact, it is precisely the habits that are absent, not the man, but it is very difficult to understand this, and the woman becomes a slave to one thought: “I can’t do it without him!”
4. Idealization of the past life.
Each woman experiencing a divorce will have to go through the idealization stage of her past life, such that it is scary to look at the future, and if the conscience does not draw bright pictures of the past, no one wants to return to it. At the same time, the brain requires exactly returning to the habitual way of life: during this period a woman cannot yet imagine her future without a husband, and for the subconscious this means that there, in the future, is death.
5. Blaming herself for the separation,
a woman starts to like what her husband liked, her whole past life seems to be just a paradise, all negative moments are forgotten, and she starts feeling guilty for the separation.
Usually, after the hatred, there comes a period of desire to return to the husband at any cost and start a new life with him on a clean slate.
6. Repeated love for her husband.
With the ongoing divorce, a woman often falls in love again with her husband. This happens because if a woman loves, it reinforces her desire to regain a lost situation (habit). In turn, this pursuit, caused by the desire, normal for any living creature, to maintain the stability and invariance of the usual, safe state, makes a woman have sincere passion.
If you love, then you forgive everything, and if the husband returns, you will still have to forgive him- if you love, it is easier to do so.
There is a reassessment of past experiences, and bad moments are forgotten. This is done by the brain in order to return the woman to the familiar situation.
And most importantly: the woman felt that her husband was a man, and he was on demand! And he must be sought. In addition, there is an awareness of her dependence on her husband, often not only psychological, but also material, which further increases the sexual attractiveness of a man.
In her psychology, a woman is more dependent on a man and this dependence is a normal condition for her. Since she understands that she is dependent on her husband for very many articles, then the passion is overwhelms her even more. A woman sees in her head sexual scenes of her husband with a rival, jealousy begins, adding fuel to the fire..
7. Attempts to return it using:
a. passionate sex.
The woman puts herself in order (she thinks that the reason is that she looks bad) and tries to diversify sex. And her husband is not interested in this. The woman gradually begins to understand that the matter is not in her rival, but in her husband.
In this stage, she begins to turn to fortune-tellers and psychics in order to explain to themselves what is happening and get some prospects for the future.
A fair way out of this crisis- pull yourself together, put aside emotions and try not to sort things out, try to understand “why are we together “. But for this, the following conditions must be fulfilled:
• partnerships must be established between the spouses
• the woman needs to give up manipulations
• she needs to openly admit her mistakes and weaknesses
• in no case does she need to calculate who has done more and who has done less for the marriage;
• the spouse needs to make the partner understand and realize why he did it, and what support he needs;
• the woman needs to sincerely wish to see him happy.
But since partnership is a rarity, these conditions are almost impossible. Therefore, the magic of fortune-tellers and psychics, which to some extent calms, encourages and removes the responsibility from the woman, is so often in demand.
c. Attempts to become more beautiful.
The woman is sure that it is a matter of appearance.
8. The assurances that her husband still loves her.
Often a woman believes that her husband is good, he was simply taken away. And, of course, his mistress does not love him and everything happened because of her self-interest. The woman believes that in fact her husband loves her, and she- loves him. The rest is a temporary clouding of the mind, everyone can come to their senses and go back to normal. The husband is just confused.
9. Attempts to revenge
The next stage is revenge or thoughts about it. A woman stops living her life. The husband continues to be present in her thoughts in one capacity or another. Often, the ex-husband starts visiting her and continues to be part of her life, but she now lives in a different status, and sometimes even becomes the ex-husband’s mistress. Thereby, dragging out her pain, living in illusions, living in her own loss, hoping for a return, she spends her years in vain. Do not forget that if the husband returns, for the woman he will no longer be the “lover hero” whom she sought, but a traitor whom she can no longer trust and respect. Ask yourself a question and imagine what happens if the husband returns. In this case, most women will never be able to forgive their husband, and such a life together is unlikely to bring her and him happiness. Sometimes a woman thinks that if a man comes back, the woman will take full advantage of it (this is part of the plan of revenge, sometimes unconscious), but this will only lead to a new betrayal.
10. Hatred of the rival and the husband.
The woman begins to pursue the idea that her husband is happy with the rival, and her imagination draws colorful pictures of their happiness. During this period the woman cries a lot, often running out of breath, thoughts of death arise, but the instinct of self-preservation in the form of anger at her and at him comes to the rescue. This allows the woman not to break down completely and save herself, not putting the blame on herself for the pain she is experiencing.
A man cannot be led away if he does not want to. Therefore, if the husband returns, the woman still realizes and recognizes, at least in the shower, that it is the husband who is responsible for the pain, and not his mistress and aggression will automatically be directed to him. He will run away again. And everything goes in a cycle.
11. The situation of an emotional pendulum when the husband goes from one woman to another and both know about it.
The effect of an emotional pendulum starts when the woman finds out about adultery or divorce.
Divorce is not just a separation of two people, it is a separation from a part of herself. The old life is secured by a huge number of connections between nerve cells that tune the brain in a certain way. The decision on divorce is made by its small part- consciousness, which is not able to reverse the inertia of brain activity. The brain will persistently demand the restoration of the previous relationship. After the announcement of a divorce or disclosure of adultery, unusual signals begin to flow into the brain, and the system begins to loosen. We do not give ourselves an account of the nature of our emotions, simply at some point the woman begins to feel that she loves her husband unusually, that she is ready for anything; and after only a couple of hours, she already hates him.
The woman begins to drive out her husband, destroys archives, or refuses her part of property or gifts, trying to soothe her pain. And when the emotions are mixed up, and strength runs out, attempts to return him again begin, and literally in a couple of hours she feels that she needs only this man. This is not due to the absurd nature of her character, but a change in the connections between the nerve cells of the brain, which are beginning to gradually rearrange.
At the moment where the woman is afraid of the future, the pendulum swings to love, and with this the man is associated with safety, protection and confidence in the future.
Adultery is seen as an illusion. But an association has already been formed in the brain, there is a desire to return to the past and in this way get a clear “future.”
As soon as the woman’s self esteem comes into play, as soon as she becomes sick of the situation, from uncertainty, from the feeling of dependence, the pendulum goes in the direction of hatred. Both are in the heat of passion.
Often a woman cannot explain her husband’s behavior, since she interprets all his actions through the prism of his relationship to her. If she thinks that the husband loves her, then all actions are interpreted based on this, and vice versa. Thus, if the pendulum is in the “love” position, it seems to her that he loves her and the rival simply bewitched him, and when the pendulum swings into the “hate” position, it seems that he is a traitor, selfish and “must be kicked to the curb”.
A man is in exactly the same state of the pendulum and he, too, is swaying from the state of love to hate, both to his wife and to his mistress.
The mistress is also in a state of pendulum. Her brain is also rebuilding, if earlier she considered the man “not her own,” now she is starting to turn him into her “personal property”. And she is swinging between “I love and I will wait forever” to “you had better get a divorce or go to hell”. Because of this, a man begins to jump from one family to the other. And this will continue until the pendulum stops (where exactly: it is impossible to say whether it will be with the wife or mistress). Until that time, it is better not to make any decisions.
12. Decrease in self-esteem (I’m not beautiful enough, I’m old, nobody needs me…)
If the husband goes to another, the woman always has a question: “Why did he choose her over me?”. This is a question of self-esteem, which in this situation begins to fall. Women are self-centered in nature (not selfish, don’t get it wrong). This comes from the role of a woman- to give birth and raise a child, and, therefore, to build a world around herself. It is a feeling that the whole world is connected with you. As a result, women always compare others to themselves and try to fit in. And the man, on the contrary, is built in such a way that he “looks, for what more is interesting in life”. That is why a man usually goes to another woman (he goes nowhere, that is, the man does not really go away from women), and the woman feels that he has left her. And the thought “I am not good, that is why he went to another” comes up and a whole ideology of her physical inadequacy is frmed. “I’m getting old,” “nobody needs me,” “I am getting fat”, “I’ll never meet anyone else”. In fact, the appearance of a woman eventually ceases to be such a significant incentive. After a year or two, other mechanisms come into force, but women, by habit, blame everything on appearance. The basic formula of the relationship is: “A man is with me, not because I am beautiful, but because we have“ one happiness for two”.
In fact, the man leaves, not because the former wife is bad, ugly or marriage was bad with her, she just became familiar, and you want something new, different from the previous experience. This is not related to the abandoned wife, (or to the wife that he cheated on) to her appearance, character, etc. “New” for a man is always “more beautiful”, sexually attractive than the “old”. A woman should understand that she is no worse and no better than her rival, simply the sexuality of a man, pushes him to look for a new one. A man reacts more to sexual stimuli, and not to the woman’s grooming, to sexuality, as to the atmosphere in relationships. If the husband went to his mistress, with whom he has already lived for several years, then do not worry- he will cool down very soon. She will become familiar, lose the aura of something secret, and for a man again, any new woman he encounters will be more sexually attractive than the former. For a person in a relationship, it is important to not only just be loved but to also feel that he is loved!
13. Fear of loneliness, transition to depression.
During the period of divorce, stress causes a depressive reaction that manifests as a low mood, melancholy, anguish and anxiety. Certainty becomes less and anxiety grows. The insides are crashing and there is a need to run away somewhere or do something. At some point, the tension begins to go off-scale, the psyche seeks to find some way out to cope with this internal tension, otherwise a person may die. And a depressive reaction turns into a disease.
Symptoms of depression:
• low mood, dejection, anguish that goes on for more than 2 weeks;
• loss of interest in life, inability to experience pleasure;
• general weakness, decreased activity, energy, fatigue;
• difficulty in concentrating and attention, absent-mindedness;
• reduction of self-esteem, the emergence of a sense of self-doubt, ideas of guilt and self-humiliation;
• a dark pessimistic vision of the future;
• suicidal or self-harming attitudes or actions;
• loss of sleep;
• change in appetite: a complete aversion to food, or vice versa- uncontrollable appetite;
•a feeling of physical indisposition.
Depression protects the psyche from excessive anxiety. When you realize that it all tends to nothing, it’s all over, relief comes. Tension subsides, the psyche experiences joy, and this feeling begins to reinforce our depression, which causes our thoughts to move only in a depressive direction. This happens unconsciously. Of course, it is better to be depressed than to die from intolerable anxiety, but if you give a chance to these thoughts to continue to develop in this direction, the woman will be firmly convinced that she has outlived everything, she will curl up and lie in bed, etc.
The way out of the situation is to direct the forces to the professional sphere. We need people, communication.
14. Gradual acceptance of reality, awareness of the prospects of the husband’s return and weighing the possibility of building a joint future.
The woman begins to understand that even if the wish is fulfilled and the husband returns, it will be a completely different relationship.
On one hand, the woman herself asked the husband to return on any conditions, but her thoughts begin to creep in:
•“ What kind of man is this that can be moved back and forth, even with tears, feelings of guilt, etc.?”;
• ” He broke my soul and came back”;
• “I asked him to come back, it seems like I cannot demand for anything else “;
• “ That would be to move something heavy, it is scary: he might leave because there is someone. She is waiting”.
Most likely, she will always feel distrust and insecurity towards her partner, and her husband has a unique experience: he left and then was able to return.
Relationship roles will change in the restored marriage. On the one hand, the woman will be afraid of losing her husband again, she will always check on him, suspect him. On the other hand, she knows that she can make him subordinate to her will.
On the side of her husband, no deep repentance will follow. On the contrary, the husband will be convinced of his impunity. That is, there will be a situation of reconciliation but by hostile parties.
People that have really hurt each other have a very small probability of building happy relationships.
here is a much higher chance of building happy relationships with another man, because they will not be overshadowed by pain, and the woman will have an invaluable experience.
15. Building an imaginary future in her head without a husband.
It is necessary to realize that if a husband had a wife that he left, after returning, it will be much easier for him to leave his family. And the mistress will wait, believing that the return is temporary.
A woman at this moment loves sincerely, but this feeling is mixed with fear of the future, hurt pride, a sense of inferiority and a feeling of dependence. The woman with the returning husband is forced to come to terms with the situation that she is not comfortable with internally.
Gradually, the woman begins to understand this and comes to the conclusion that her husband is not the only man in the world, the future is possible, both with him and without him. Of course, she can try to build a partnership with this man, if he is ready for it, but it will take years and years. And it is not known which of these options is preferable.
These findings help to begin to properly navigate in reality and provide an opportunity to build relationships in which she will feel genuinely good. The woman begins to construct an image of the future in her head, and because of this, she begins to recover and live. She goes through a psychological paralysis and it becomes clear to her what she will do and for what purpose. Uncertainty passes, and is replaced by determination, and strength, and a plan of action. And, perhaps, the man, realizing and appreciating what he lost, will re-marry on partnership conditions, but maybe not.
As long as the woman dreams of her husband’s return, she is psychologically busy and the probability of a new relationship is very small.
16. How not to stay alone after a divorce?
Often a woman enters into a relationship after a divorce just because of the fear of being alone. At first, she takes care of everything. She behaves more like a mother than a full-fledged partner who recognizes a man’s responsibility in relationships.
The woman and the man build relationships together, sharing the difficulties in half. And the woman cares about the man, takes care of him.
But she might take care of him without paying attention to how he treats her, like a charity case, having nothing in return. In this case, in the mind of the woman, the man becomes a parasite. The woman ceases to perceive him positively, and no matter what he does, he is simply a debtor who pays the debt, and she is an investor. In this case, the woman is afraid to express that she is not satisfied with the behavior of the man, and gradually the irritation and resentment begin to accumulate. The woman feels unhappy, feels that she is being used and begins to cry and make trouble. And gradually comes alienation. And the woman still keeps silent and does not try to discuss the existing problems. Unfortunately, we often cannot intelligibly explain what is in our hearts. An attempt to express their feelings turns into a showdown, and then into a scandal. Women rarely talk about their difficulties, their concerns and hopes.
After a while, men leave such a woman. The only way out of this situation is to be not a caring mother, but a wife, to start a dialogue. People are not telepathic and cannot know that a woman does not like or what she would like from a relationship. You cannot build a long relationship based on the fear of being alone. They need something to invest in and this something can not be fear. Enter marriage because a person is dear to you and you are ready to invest strength, attention, patience, understanding, and not to fill a void.
Going through life, you meet an interesting person and you think: “It’s going to be interesting and good living with him and i am ready to work at it”. Such an approach has a chance of success and guarantees freedom from loneliness. With random people, you both were and will remain lonely, it does not matter whether you live together or separately. If a person does not want to be lonely in a relationship, he must be an independent and self-sufficient person. You need to understand what you want from life, and what you don’t want.
A woman often lacks self-confidence, but confidence lies not in appearance, but in how you feel about yourself as a person. It is a belief that a woman can make the right decisions herself, have her own opinion, respect herself and live a full life. Proceed from the fact that you build relationships to be happy in them. Tell your partner what you need to be happy and ask him what he needs to be happy. Blind submission, which causes internal protest, will not play the role of bringing happiness. A woman should understand what she wants from the relationship, what she will bring and why they need it.
People should tell each other their hopes and desires. And always, before you declare your right to respect and understanding, you need to be reminded of what you are doing for your relationship so that your loved one is okay.
Dear women! Usually signs of being cold appear long before the betrayal or him leaving. Do not close your eyes! Do not try to give some excuses like your husband is tired from work or is unwell. Speak. Do not hide from the truth, do not ignore common sense, stop ignoring the obvious things. Otherwise, the situation will catch you unawares, and you will not even understand why and what happened. Act, before things go too far. You can still change something!
Why is my life full of suffering? Why am I alive? What have I done for God to punish me like this?’
I’m talking to anyone who’s ever asked themselves those questions. I was married to my husband for 11 years and we have two sons together. For 8 years I suffered, sobbed and thought about death. Waking up in the morning, I realized with horror that this was my reality. My husband constantly cheated on me and humiliated me in every way, and at the same time I was completely financially dependent on him because after getting married, I left work and became a housewife.
I experienced feelings of futility and utter weakness, which undoubtedly affected my health and that of my sons. Endless catarrhal diseases, gruelling examinations and visits to doctors gradually became the norm for me. Then it seemed to me that nothing could change, I had a dreary and rotten feeling of being stuck in a dead end. I didn’t find the answer to the question: How do I continue living with all of this, or, come to that, how do I even exist?
I was scared, I asked myself what I could give the children as a single mother. I was afraid that they would suffer and feel inferior without a father, but even then, I understood that a mother who is constantly crying can hardly give anything constructive to her children. Somewhere in the very depths of my soul I still hoped for a miracle because faith and hope are natural qualities of the human soul. The miracle happened when I had a consultation with a life coach using the IDEAL method devised by Toyche.
I won’t describe the details as they aren’t important. The main thing is that everything suddenly became possible. God sends each person these tests and experiences that are necessary for their own progress and the solution is already “embedded” in the task itself.
But there is one crucial condition for this to be possible: inner honesty.
As long as you fool yourself, your life will be filled with lies. I honestly admitted to myself that I no longer truly loved my husband and that, in fact, we were tied together by common property, children, and the fear of the unknown that people feel when they are over 40.
I also realised that I was not very comfortable living this way, running the home and just turning a blind eye to my husband’s cheating and comforting myself with the thought that “Many people live together unhappily”.
The truth is that inner honesty makes a person free! When I admitted this, I experienced incomparable relief, as if I’d grown wings and the scales of ignorance had fallen from my eyes. Everything that previously seemed impossible became possible. A person always has a choice when he achieves a certain inner integrity. Is this imaginary material comfort dearer to me than spiritual comfort? I’d suffered because I’d got my priorities in life wrong. I talked to my husband calmly and honestly (which had never happened before, when it all used to end in recriminations and accusations), and the result stunned me. He thanked me for voicing what he’d been thinking himself but hadn’t known how to articulate. We settled everything related to the property, accommodation and the upbringing of our children. My sons became more confident and cheerful and now they spend much more time with their father.
I began to realize my talents, new projects came up, I met new interesting people, and in general, my life filled with new meaning and understanding, and each day became brighter and more interesting. It’s very important to forgive the other person for what they’ve done wrong and close that old door called “regret”. Otherwise a new door will never open for you. You will harden and turn to salt like Lot’s wife.
Don’t forget that when you come to a mutual agreement, all agreements must be legally recorded and registered. If they aren’t, you may find yourself in a situation where people have forgotten their obligations when the agreements are implemented for the first time. It’s important to remember that if a person is ready to fulfil their responsibility, then nothing prevents them from formalizing this legally. Otherwise, you will become a hostage to a situation where you need to remind your ex about your agreements every month, which will undoubtedly affect the quality of your relationship, and it will definitely not make for a harmonious atmosphere. And besides this, your children will witness disagreements and disputes, which is unlikely to benefit them. Everything is solvable! Dead ends exist only in our mind, and they are conceptual. Our life and that which fills it is just a projection of our concepts.
Dear woman, reading these lines. The course of life doesn’t always run smoothly. You’d probably like for it to flow calmly and smoothly, but this life is almost impossible to live without ups and downs, joys and disappointments and that’s just the way it is. We must therefore try to emerge from difficult situations with dignity and without emotional or physical suffering. Consider, for example, the situation you’re in because of your beloved husband’s betrayal and the birth of his other children. From personal experience I can say the following.
- Do not lose heart- life goes on.
- Try to find out who your opponent is (you need to know the enemy by sight).
- Do not start fights and shed tears for your husband. It’s only natural that you’ll have a few at the beginning, but after that they achieve nothing.
- Find psychologist Natalia Tolstoy’s books at the bookstore and read them; sometimes they help. 5. If you can go somewhere for a couple of weeks (leave your husband alone with what you said) – that’s good. A change of scene always helps.
- Do not scold your rival, if it hadn’t been her, it would have been someone else, the man is to blame- this was his choice.
- He usually chooses someone who physically looks like you but has a different character. Draw your own conclusions.
- Start to keep yourself occupied- it distracts you from negative thoughts. Do it for yourself.
- There is no need to tell everyone about your misfortunes; it’s enough to tell close friends, of which most of us have just three or four.
- Do not tear your hair out in grief- nothing can be changed; it is what it is. And think about it: can you really continue to live with this man as you used to?
- Do not file for divorce. This is not your problem: let him solve it – though according to statistics he is ill-equipped to solve it – should he decide to take this step at all.
- Do not look back: yesterday is over, now is today, and then tomorrow will come. Live!
- I hope you have good children, especially if they are adults. They should support you. If they are small, try to protect them psychologically, because the trauma caused by the separation of a child’s parents can stay with them for life.
- Do not shut yourself away in solitude, avoiding your friends. Meet people, dress up, smile, everything around you is fine, it’s just one person who has hurt you very much, everyone else loves you!
- It’s up to you to decide whether to live together or not. Everyone has their own script, and you create it yourself. There is no universal guidance. I wish you good luck and a good tomorrow!
You see how the marriages of your acquaintances collapse right in front of you, how people close to you suffer, but you are sure that this doesn’t apply to you. THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO YOU. Your partner is the exception. Then one day life presents you with a very unwelcome “gift,” and this is not speculation, suspicion, or conjecture. This is reality. Your partner has someone else. The first thing you do is to completely reject this new reality. “I want everything to be as it was before!”- is your only desire. You continue to make coffee and try to leave everything as before. But the hurt you’ve tried to suppress by denying it keeps popping, unbidden into your mind.
Gradually, life becomes a living hell. You stop sleeping, lose a dozen kilograms, you cannot breathe. Your thoughts are like a broken record, you stumble all the time, and you cannot concentrate on anything. You go for advice and help from the relatives of your partner, and you ask: “What should I do?” And in response you get: “Live your life”. What nonsense they speak! What is ‘your life’? My life is crumbling! Help me! I’m dying! But they cannot do anything…
You hear the voice of your loved one, which used to protect you, but now he says very different things. He replaces you completely. And you still don’t believe it. It cannot be. You have known this man for many years! He is not like that! But you are replaced again and again… Friends gradually cease to invite you for holidays. They stay with the more significant partner. You wake up in the morning and quietly go crazy. There, in your dreams, you are still fine, but here, in reality, your world is completely destroyed. You begin to confuse sleep with reality. You can easily arrange your life without actually participating in it. Cooking, cleaning, shopping.
The one for whom all this was done is no longer there. There is no one around whom everything revolves. I know women who do not know what to buy at the grocery store after being abandoned. They know that they love their husband and children, but they do not know if they love themselves. It’s good if the children stayed with you and supported you. You’re like a new baby right now- you can only cry. From time to time you are filled with anger and resentment, and then chest pains- not where the heart is, no. Just to the right you have a hole that sucks you into a terrible void. You feel an unbreakable link between the mind and the body. You pray to God to set you free from your dark thoughts, because they cause unbearable pain that you cannot relieve in any way. Your soul cries out like the character in Munch’s “The Scream”.
But outwardly you keep it together. You try to smile, to hide your grief, for better or worse. You are alone.
Loneliness… For many, this is the greatest fear. Thus begins the endless flight from him into unnecessary relationships with unnecessary people. You see all the shortcomings of your partner, you understand this is not your man, but the fear of being left alone again is so great that you’ll put up with anything. What if this relationship is the last, and others will never happen? You dull your loneliness with pills. You can’t be alone.
Stop and calm down. One day the bell rings.
“Hello,” you will hear.
“Hello” – you answer.
And you won’t need the pills anymore.
Harmony will come into your soul, and you will understand that everything that happened before was just part of the road you had to travel, the one that led you to this meeting. And the construction of a relationship begins again, and you cannot even imagine what you will have to face and what issues you will need to solve.
Sometimes you will despair, sometimes you’ll soar like a bird.
There are no identical stories.
It’s been seven years. I moved to another country, met a man there who blew me away, beat cancer, studied in a specialty I had dreamed of all my life, and now I work and get great pleasure from it.
What can I say? Do not be afraid. Think of yourself. Make decisions that are less painful. If something hurts now, wait until it does not hurt anymore and, if you don’t change your mind, do it. Everything changes. Be patient and understand what is right for you. Forget all the conventions and limitations. Be with the one next to whom you have the desire and the strength to do something. I’m 57. I feel like a 30-year-old. Fast forward. My new life, which is admittedly full of difficulties, but is also interesting and emotionally intense, began when I was 51.
Enter the kingdom of crooked mirrors or look at yourself from the other side…
His second wife. How cool it is to be a second wife. You are young and beautiful, and all the best that life has to offer has been laid at your feet… Gifts, flowers, travel, and no burdens or responsibilities- no boring home-made dinners, no cleaning, cooking or talking to his relatives!
But… for some reason it’s not enough. A few months ago, you were happy, but now everything has changed… It’s just infuriating to have Number One around, his hateful wife, whom he says he is not seeing and who never understood him! So you want to become number one for HIM. And now, by hook or by crook, tears, fights, love spells, and, of course, hot sex (which you think he never had before meeting you), you become her!
No, the official sign is still very far away, but he is still yours! HE went to you! Here it is – happiness! Your passport to a luxury life and a respectable position in society.
If only it were not for all that baggage, which HE, your beloved, drags along into your paradise with him: the mothers, sisters, numerous children, ex-wives, etc. There’s also his stupid job, for which, as it turns out, he leaves every morning and from which he doesn’t return until after midnight. There have also been some dramatic changes in HOW he talks to you. No, in general, it is still wonderful: flowers (albeit less often), gifts, albeit more expensive, but… There are numerous “buts”.
10 years pass, and you feel like a cornered animal. Sometime soon, and it may even have happened already, HE, your loved one, has Number Two Mk 2. This cannot not happen, because it’s the way he is wired, he wants it and he can afford it. And it’s stupid to believe that this story is not about you, because you once occupied this place in the same way… Five years later, your hands are “tied”, and now you are 35, and something must be done about it, but it is scary…
But then no, it is not scary to you, as you have gone through everything in the past, things are no longer scary. You are part of a new, cynical and prudent generation. The main thing is to keep nagging him – and even more so after the divorce – because there never was love. Make sure you get to keep the children: for the alimony, because after all, giving birth to them was how you lost your figure, and don’t you deserve to be paid for that?
This is such a short message from the enemy. Why the enemy? Because I am the real NUMBER ONE, the first, who became so not by originally being a Number Two, but by honest pure love, more than twenty years ago. HE was not a sugar daddy for me, and he never promised me the earth.
What we had was just a life: a good life, good children, trips, responsibilities, holidays, problems, warmth towards each other… If only… If only there hadn’t been so much crazy money, if only the male ego weren’t so easily excited, If only there hadn’t been so many simple, attractive Ukrainian girls aged between 16-30 with no education who moved to Moscow and were ready to do anything, even for the smallest of rewards.
I wish mothers would remind their sons more often that the family is not only a mother and sister, but also a wife, and that keeping a family together is very important. If they did, maybe the man wouldn’t panic when he reaches his damned midlife crisis, when he gets scared of the fact that there may be no more love, no more new emotions, illusions or thoughts that he is loved by a younger girl…
Then, he met HER… And he threw everything at her feet, those exact same feet with which she would very soon step all over him because she’s heartless, and because she is representative of a consumerist generation, she will not give anything in this relationship, she is only going to use this old fool, bleed him dry, both materially and emotionally…
To say that it is hurtful and insulting is an understatement. This is betrayal! It is destructive, it eats you from the inside! How could he?! But is he the only one to blame? Do not lie to yourself that you did not drift apart, admit that you have long ceased to express emotions, rejoice at gifts, travel, be amazed at – or even be interested in – each other’s lives, and it does not matter who started it.
Of course, you say, when we were raising the children, the whole house depended on us! Yes! A hundred times — yes! But nevertheless… BOTH ARE GUILTY. But because of men’s psychological programming, there is no desire to “dig” into everything, and he will survive this easily enough; but you won’t…
You will “eat” yourself from the inside- slowly, in small pieces and with particular cruelty. STOP!!! Your life does not end here, whether you like it or not, you will have to live, and the kind of life it will be depends on you! Get yourself together, be constructive, learn to understand yourself. What annoys you most? HER existence? So, a man is polygamous by nature, not Masha, nor Sveta… So maybe it is better to let in Masha now- at least everyone is used to her. How do you live, going forward? It all depends on you! If you spend the rest of your life trying to get revenge- you will have a miserable life!
If you manipulate the children, it will be bad for you! You will find fault with his new wife at every turn- they will no longer communicate with you. Anger and envy are two wrecking balls that destroy you with great speed, leading to depression, illness, pills, complete mental and physical breakdown, and at 45- you are ruined!
Will you choose this path?! It’s up to you!
But you can still decide to take a different approach. Try to understand and forgive him. It is not easy, I know. Put yourself in his shoes for a moment; you will not like it at all, because being a man is hard too!
Stop feeling sorry for yourself! Making other people around you pity you is what simple, narrow-minded women do. The feeling of being flawed, unhappy, and expecting people’s sympathy every minute is all the in the user’s psychology, and you are not like that. Remember, you are Number One. Think of yourself and your children. You are still a young, beautiful woman, men desire you, but on one condition: you must love life in all its manifestations!
As for the children, well, it is much more difficult for them than for you. They don’t understand why this happened at all or what life’s going to be like now. With whom will they live? Where? On what? Help them, do not distance yourself, they are your greatest happiness. Establish a warm relationship with them and maybe you will see your children from a new perspective! Believe me, I was shocked when my boys (8 and 12 years old) expressed their utter readiness to go and live with me, in wealth or poverty. It meant a lot! And yet: do not force events, give HIM time, do not hinder his communication with the children, do not set the children against him- you will deprive them of their father, they may not have another. Try to build a warm and constructive relationship with your ex, even if it takes a year or more. Believe me, it’s worth it, in five years you will be good friends who, by the way, will still be raising and educating their children!
And do not forget to thank HIM! After all, he gave you your children and all the joy that motherhood has given you! He also gave you the best years of his life, (it’s not only you who gave him your best years, as it seems to many). Thank him also for continuing to help you and the children, and sometimes asking you for advice on where to look for a new nanny for his new child. Do not push him away, appreciate this degree of trust, carefully nurture these thin strands from which the invisible web of your new relationships and your relationships for life are built. Love your past: that is how you will have a harmonious present and a happy future. Do not try to appear to be best mates; everything will fall in place with time.
And remember that divorce is not a death sentence, it can be survived, the main thing is to love life. With love, and with all my heart.
E. 44 Years Old
Most women go through situations where they feel that their husband has lost interest in them, and then they find out that they have a rival. Some cannot cope with the feeling of resentment and see only one way- divorce, because this development makes their life hell. But there are women who decide to fight and win, keeping not only the family, but also regaining the interest (including sexually) of the husband, thus bringing the relationship to a new level.
They do not turn into victims, broken and losing their own personality, craving the slightest kind look from the husband, or the smallest moment of respectful treatment as though it were a precious gift. They don’t ask for permission to go somewhere -alone or with someone else- or to do something. They remain mistresses of the situation- beloved, independent and interesting wives, living a full, rich life.
One of these women shared her personal experience with me, which I am going to share here in the form of an abbreviated interview.
Q – How did you manage to overcome the hurt? What did you start to do when you felt that your husband was losing interest?
A – I think the most important thing is that women don’t know how to live their own lives. My work and many years of experience have allowed me to meet a lot of people from all over the world, especially women. It helps me to see a family situation from the inside, and I understand women’s problems and empathize with them. However, I understand men too. I adopt men’s perspective and try to understand what they think about women. And I absolutely agree with them.
Most women are selfish. Of course, men are also guilty of this, but women are much more selfish than men.
A – Because women think, ‘Now I will marry a rich man, have children, I will be a housewife. I will have a cleaner, a house— have all my needs satisfied,’ and so on. And what in this case does the man see in the woman? Yes, the wife is beautiful, but as the years go by, the woman doesn’t get any younger, and her needs only grow. Previously a bottle of Cava would delight her. Five years later, she won’t even consider entering a restaurant that doesn’t serve Cristal.
The man gradually begins to get annoyed. Nothing pleases her, nothing is enough for her. She requires more and more, and in return gives nothing. Even sex becomes boring, because she is still nagging the same man, and he gets tired at work, he just needs 3 minutes of sex, to calm down and sleep. A woman, if she is not busy at work or not kept busy by something interesting, begins to find fault with every detail: he looked at her in a weird way, he said something wrong; she only consumes, she gives nothing. This is the most important conclusion that I made based on my observations. And of course, since both men and women share with me, everyone expresses dissatisfaction with their sex lives. This is especially pronounced after the birth of children. Children demand a lot of time and attention. The woman will worry more about her child (whether he has slept, eaten, how he feels) than about her man. Children often sleep in the same room with their parents, when they are still little- because they may get scared, they may get sick, or something else may happen. The man’s rational mind, of course, agrees. His wife is a good mother. He lives like that for one, two, or maybe six months…
And then what next? He will stray. Any young girl will do anything for him only because he comes to her, and it does not matter whether she is beautiful or not, educated or not, smart or not. She will listen to him attentively and be impressed by whatever rubbish he says. She will give him attention, raise his self-esteem, there is already no need for sex here. I sat and stroked him, he left satisfied. And he will return, because he is looking for attention and, in fairness, you can’t blame him for that.
A woman assigns him the role of the father and the breadwinner, expecting him to slave all his life to pay for schools and the mortgage. In the end, he gets tired of it.
Q – Do you think it is possible to rebuild the existing relationship?
A– I think you need to get over your own ego and pay attention to him. For example, let’s say he comes home in a good mood (the deal went well) – note this, invite him to coffee and pay for his cup. It will be unexpected, but it will please him. He will feel that the woman treats him not like a consumer but takes care of him. Be sure to talk, no matter how difficult the situation. You need to make him talk. He might need a drink for that.
Even if he makes some unkind remarks, – listen. Ask his advice, what would he do in your place in this situation?
Or otherwise: he changed, you found out.
Q – What do girls usually do?
A – They say: “Everything. Now let’s get divorced.” This is the silliest thing you can do. If he has changed, shut up. Check, whether he does it again or not. If he repeats it, then work on yourself.
Q – What does it mean to work on yourself?
A – Think about why he left. More often than not, women blame themselves (“I’m guilty,” “I did not see it in time”). In fact, he just went and relieved his stress. If a woman panics, starts screaming or deliberately starts arguments, she automatically drives him into the arms of the rival.
This is because he knows that if he goes there, he will be petted, understood and supported. A woman should be strong, and she should love herself. You should look in the mirror and admire yourself. You must find something that you will really like in yourself: your hands, eyes, whatever possible. And you have to think: “I love my husband”. And you need to wish him happiness. In such a situation, I told my husband: “I wish you happiness, you are my most beloved person, I will die without you, but if you need to, I will let you go and wish you happiness”. In my experience, he will come back, kiss you, put you on his knees and be with you.
When you give a man freedom, you have to maintain your own dignity. Do not fall on your knees before him, do not beg him. Respect yourself and accept what happens during a divorce, if you decide on it. When talking, do not forget to remind him about the material side of things. “What a pity, we have lived for so many years, you have worked so hard, earned so much, and now everything will have to be divided equally. Don’t you regret that?”
Q – And if the relationship on the side becomes serious, and the man is with his lover’s family and cannot make a decision?
A – To be honest, it means that this situation is comfortable for him. He does not want to change it. That didn’t happen to me: my husband quickly returned. But I think you need to start living your life. I would not get divorced.
Q – What does it mean to ‘live your life?’
A – For example, go out with friends to relax. You need to have other people, do not limit your world to a small group. You do not have to go to restaurants: walking your dog, or during yoga class- you will meet very interesting people. The main thing in this situation is not to sit at home, but to go out and live. Work out what it is you want to do, then go out and do it. When a man sees that you are strong, you are living an interesting life, and are not reacting to the situation, there is also a chance that he will return.
I see that when a man is 45-50 years old, if a woman correctly resolves the situation (does not say: “I will divorce you”, does not push him to this), he does not leave.
Q – Tell me please, when did you find out about the cheating and how did you feel?
A – I blamed myself, I thought that I was the problem. This was my fault, I worked a lot, I did not pay enough attention to him. The first time I learned about the adultery, I panicked, the second time I was hurt, and the third time I got her phone number. I said nothing to him and went to bed. I fell asleep with great resentment in my soul, and in the morning, I called and said to her: – Hello. I am so and so’s wife.
What do you mean, wife?! Whose wife? –
I just wanted to tell you that this is not my husband’s first affair. This happens with him from time to time. If you think that you will make plans and build your life with him, I do not think that you will succeed. We have been married for many years. I know him very well. He just wanted to have a little fun. If you are thinking about a family, a child, don’t get your hopes up. If you don’t believe me, ask him.
“Well, you ruined my day,” she said.
Do not be upset, I replied. I’m not having a great day either…
She began to bombard his phone with text messages, trying to start a fight. He stopped picking up the phone. I asked him: “Why are you not answering? If you decided to be with her, you must answer the woman. She is totally confused now”. I think he was very ashamed at that time. It’s easy for me to talk about this now, but at the time my heart was trembling and my knees were shaking. It was very scary to speak, because I did not know what answer I would get, how it would all work out. During a divorce, women are lost because they fear both the unknown and material insecurity. That is why it is very important to be financially independent of your husband.
Fortunately for me, I have my own business, independent of my husband. I work very hard for this, and this puts me on a strong footing. My business gives me the opportunity to meet very interesting people who have achieved a lot in life, and they treat me with great interest and respect. I am interesting to people, I accept many invitations, people want to communicate with me. Of course, he sees it. At first, he was surprised. How come? What is so interesting about her? Now he is proud of me. The skills I gained in business were useful to me in my family life. I studied my husband very well and I know his strengths and weaknesses, and when the situation demands, I push certain buttons. I advise other women to do the same. If you have lived with a person for 10 years, you can live another 20 if you want.
Once again, I want to repeat that sex is a very important area of relationships. Often, men hide their fantasies from their wives, as they are afraid of offending them. At 20, you have sex in one position, at 30 in another, at 40 you want something new, but men and women hesitate to say this to each other, as a result, their sex life in unfulfilling and they separate. A lot of my friends, including young guys are depressed because of their sex life. You should experience happiness and pass it on to others: husband, friends, and in return you will receive even more energy, love and happiness. I repeat, it is necessary to talk with your husband about sex. Most of the time, this topic is often taboo, hence there are so many problems.
Q – How did you decide to talk?
A – I had a few drinks. In this state it is very easy to be frank, you can speak on any topic. I had a period when I was depressed. Not only did I not want sex, I did not want anything. For many years I did not want sex. I struggled as best I could with this state. I went to yoga, tried other methods, read books, took pills, but nothing helped.
Q – So, what did help?
A – Here’s what helped. I went on vacation with the girls. The girls were all divorced, and we had a lot of fun. We went to a party, I dressed very nicely, but I turned out to be the most conservatively dressed, without exposing my neckline and other things… I talked with one man there, and then he asked me to dance. We danced so much that suddenly I felt quite horny and this made me feel alive again. When I returned home, I just pounced on my husband. I myself did not expect this. He was shocked and said: “We must let you go out with the girls more often.”
So, I emerged from my depression- and without the aid of pills. There must be a game between the man and the woman. Sex makes both parties happy, gives strength and a zest for life. My husband also showed a lot of strength and patience, so that I could emerge from my depression. We even went to a swingers’ club!
At first, what I saw made me feel bad. And then I realized how great it is. This helps many people to feel happier, more relaxed and stronger, with the ability to give and receive joy. Tantric yoga also helped a lot. Many people who don’t know what it really is believe that this is just a sexual massage. It turned out that it is not the case at all. We went to a party that was organised by KK. They did a retreat for 3 days. Usually everything goes on in a castle. About 15 couples from different countries and different age groups gather, but they must be couples. It costs about a thousand pounds per couple. My husband said that if anything made me feel uncomfortable, we would leave. I agreed and did not regret it.
We did yoga: however, in a sexual position. In a way, it was possible to call it sex education. On the third day, those who wanted to, had sex, others had a massage. My husband and I tried a tantric massage. I had never experienced such pleasure before, and it was very beautiful. After that, my husband and I did a tantric massage course. On the first day we studied the physiology of the female and male body. Then we were taught how to massage. Men can often be unable to kiss, cuddle or caress since they are rougher by nature. They teach everything there and are rather strict. Women are also taught how to make a man relax and what to do when he comes home tired. Now my husband and I enjoy each other and do not think about others. Tantra would be against swing clubs. She would think they are dirty…
I find it difficult to give advice to separated couples. I divorced after three years of marriage, but I “lived” side by side with my former spouse for many years. He is a very important part of my life and certainly not all my subsequent partners found my friendship with him acceptable.
Not all my friends fully understand me or share my attitude towards their exes: My ex-husband is my best friend. Our relationship is multifaceted. I cannot say whether my husband really loved me, but I can say that he has great respect for me. I had to work hard on it, read many books and build relationships and in the process make mistakes, suffer disappointment, cry, hate, be jealous, love and worry. In my case, my deep conviction helped me to realise that I do not have the right to take a father away from a child. My ex-spouse is a person that is nice, kind, confident, caring and responsible, just to name a few of his positive qualities. In 99 percent of matters- he’s exemplary, but in the remaining 1 percent he is just unbearable.
He is a typical ‘leader’, who along with all his remarkable qualities, possesses dictatorial tendencies and intolerance, imposing his will, unlimited power and control. The good news is that for all these negative qualities there is an antidote, but it is yet to be found. It can only be found through making mistakes, suffering disappointments and hard work. If this task is treated as a scientific experiment, it can even become interesting. The book Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery helped me a lot.
Having determined my ex-spouse’s personality type, I soon worked out how to change my attitude towards him, how to guide him in making the decisions necessary for me, how to avoid conflicts and – most importantly – coordinate his attitude to our child. The book helped me with my personal problems, the main thing in choosing your personality type is that you need to be totally honest with yourself. The discoveries you make are not always flattering…
Identifying my problems and shortcomings allowed me to relax and accept myself as I am. It helped me to live in peace with myself. Having found peace in my heart, I found a happier place for myself in life. The bottom line is that all the problems surrounding us start with us. The equation I was trying to work with had one unknown: me. If we can solve our personal equation, life will become easier.